


i'd rather be black and blue (than accept that you withdrew)

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012!Phan, Angst, Other, Post-Break Up, general sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-20
Updated: 2016-01-20
Packaged: 2018-05-15 05:34:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5773327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An AU from Phil’s perspective where 2012 really went wrong, and no one ever tried to make it right again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'd rather be black and blue (than accept that you withdrew)

**Author's Note:**

> ok yeah it's technically not phil's pov since it's third person, but it's phil-centric   
> also the title is from the lovely troye sivan's "the quiet"

Phil often watched the lights dance around his ceiling from headlights of cars that drove past his apartment at night. He couldn’t help himself, and even though he knew it never would be, he hoped every time the lights flashed through the windows that it was Dan coming by to say he didn’t mean what he said- that he’d made a mistake. He didn’t mean to take this so far as that he’d move out, so far as that they wouldn’t even talk anymore.

The whole situation started out subtle, Dan telling people that he wasn’t gay (which, he wasn’t) and telling them he was not dating Phil (which, he was). Eventually, it escalated to Dan writing out angry Tumblr messages to fans about them leaving him alone and how he was repulsed that anyone would even think about him and Phil in a relationship together. Which, Phil thought aloud to Dan, “Why’s it so bad that people think we’re in love? …Aren’t we?”

Dan didn’t reply.

After all, Phil would never get it. He would never understand why Dan thought it such a big deal, or why he decided they needed to take a “break” so that he could sort himself out, or why sorting himself out had actually been packing his things and leaving their shared home. He could never figure out if he was just an experimental phase in Dan’s life that went too far, or if what they had was genuine but Dan couldn’t uphold to the pressure.

Maybe it was better that way, with Phil not knowing. It left a small chance, at least, that Dan would come back. Dan _could_ come to terms with himself and want to move back in, apologizing with peppered face kisses and lots of whispered “I love you”s.

This was Phil’s own personal way to torture himself. He wouldn’t allow himself to move on; he couldn’t move on, not after the passion he felt in his love for Dan. Even after Dan had fucked him over and left him all alone, Phil loved him. Phil wished he didn’t; he pleaded to himself late at night to just let it _go._ Dan wasn’t coming back. Dan was done with Phil. Dan never even loved him, anyway. At least, that’s what Phil tried to force into his brain on especially terrible nights, his nubs of nails feverishly scraping up and down his bare arms as an attempt to feel something other than _Dan_.

The fans didn’t especially help; it seemed as though they were nearly as heartbroken as Phil. They caught on quickly that Dan no longer lived with Phil and rather that they both were alone. Phil’s live shows no longer contained snarky remarks from Dan across the room; his videos never showcased random visits from the aforementioned. Almost every comment on both of the men’s videos were “Where is Dan/Phil?”, and Phil had to refrain from replying that Dan was just temporarily moved out for personal reasons, though he didn’t know if that was the truth or if it was just something Phil had made up for consolation. One time, though, he saw that Dan replied to one of those comments with simply “Not here.” and Phil tried to not let it wrench his heart further.

Alas, the lights on the ceiling never stopped and the doorbell never rang and Dan never came back to make amends. Phil sent him a text, one time, that said “you’re welcome back whenever”. He read it, but never responded.

After a few months, Phil found himself throwing things away that reminded him of Dan, knick-knacks with some inside meaning and Phil’s own duvet- he replaced it with a solid white one. Dan’s room itself was converted into a guest room, which was rarely, if ever, used.

Phil kept up with Dan and what he was up to; a new girlfriend and hitting his next million subscribers, winning awards that he didn’t even know existed. Every once in awhile, Phil would shoot Dan a text in congratulation, but he would never reply. Occasionally, the two would see each other at YouTube gatherings, but Dan would always pretend he hadn’t seen Phil, turning his head to speak with his girlfriend immediately after he had spotted his ex-boyfriend. Phil would, in response, purse his lips and continue onward, praying not to see Dan again in the same day. There was only so much he could deal with in one day, and that limit was extremely low when it came to Dan Howell.

Month after month, Phil began to feel better. He cherished what he had with Dan, though it was no longer. (Plus, Dan was pretty much being a giant douche, which eased the heartbreak.) Phil no longer awaited something that would never happen; he accepted that Dan didn’t want anything to do with him, and he didn’t try and make it any harder for Dan to achieve this goal. They both kept to themselves, reading articles on the other every so often.

About a whole year after Dan had moved out, Phil heard his phone vibrating on the coffee table in front of him. Expecting his mum, PJ, or maybe Louise to be calling, he was thoroughly shocked when the Caller I.D. read “Dan H.” Phil told himself, before he answered, that it was probably a butt dial and there was no need for him to freak out. After all, it’d been quite awhile since Phil had had a breakdown over Dan.

“Hello?” Phil answered, warily awaiting the rustling sound of a pocket.

“Hi, yeah. It’s Dan.” Phil’s heart dropped to his feet at the sound of Dan’s voice in the speaker.

Phil couldn’t bring himself to say anything aloud, though his thoughts raced. Were the moments he used to dream about as headlights flashed across the ceiling finally here?

“Uh, I need to- You- Can you come over?” Dan was hesitant, as was his conversational partner.

“…For what?”

“You know what? Never mind. Ignore me. Sorry.” Dan hung up the phone, leaving Phil in a confused daze.

Questioning that the exchange had even happened, Phil slowly set his phone back on the table and furrowed his eyebrows, casting his gaze back to the television but not paying attention to what was on it.

After not speaking for a whole year, Dan called to say virtually nothing? Phil shook his head, though not endearingly, and picked up his phone again. A moment before he could unlock it, it began to vibrate again in his hand. “Dan H” lit up the screen another time.

Phil knew he shouldn’t answer it. After all the hell he’d been through because of Dan, he knew he shouldn’t answer. He stared at the Caller I.D. until it stopped ringing, a “1 missed call” message displayed on the screen. Phil continued to stare at this message until the screen faded back to black. The screen was only dark for a moment before a text brightened the screen yet again.

“I’m sorry” read the text, and Phil opened the message but did not reply.

Dan didn’t call or text again after that. He didn’t make any effort to explain or even acknowledge the whole thing. Phil tried to forget the incident, but it had opened an old cut and Phil struggled to keep it closed.

He was void of emotion for the next few days, scared that if he felt anything it would be overtaken by his unstable memories with Dan. Eventually, Phil’s friends convinced him that Dan was probably drunk, that the call didn’t mean anything, and that this didn’t mean Dan was any less of a dick. He returned to being himself, the phone call pushed to the back of his mind.

It stayed this way for awhile; faint memories of the apology text would flash through Phil’s thoughts any time he heard news about Dan, but that was all.

Phil began dating again a year and a half after Dan left, though he couldn’t help but compare everyone he met to Dan. A toxic habit, he knew, but he couldn’t stop it. He just wanted someone to love, someone who could make him forget completely how in love he used to be.

That someone didn’t come along, really. Not for awhile. And Phil cursed Dan for that, for skewing his judgement long after they’d been over.

No matter how much Phil willed himself not to, he continued to Google search Dan’s name every once in awhile to see what he was up to. By 2015, three years after Dan and Phil had halted being an item, Dan had written a book, narrated a few documentaries, and hit four million subscribers.

While Dan had done all these things, Phil was not lying idle. He still hosted a monthly radio show, starred in an animated Disney movie, and had a strong two million subscribers.

Hard feelings were left behind as the years passed, and so when the pair ran into each other at the 2015 Brit Awards, a thought of what could have been danced through Phil’s mind, but he just shook Dan’s hand and they congratulated each other on their separate accomplishments before walking their different ways.  


End file.
